You’re Not Shopping. You’re Advocating: When Schools Ask What Program You Want Before They Build One

I walked my son into the school building for his assessments—just like the district required. After years of homeschooling him under a PSA, this was our return to the system that once left us behind. And even though I knew what I was walking into, I wasn’t prepared for the question that followed.

“So… have you seen any local programs that you’d like him to go into?”

That moment hit me harder than I expected. Because I hadn’t come to shop. I came for what the law guarantees: a program designed by the IEP team, based on assessments, goals, and my child’s unique needs.

But here I was—standing in a building that still didn’t understand what IDEA actually requires.

I had the rare chance to be physically present for much of my son's assessments—something most parents never witness. And what I saw was hard to unsee.

Assessment sessions ranged from 30 minutes to 2 hours. Most of the data was drawn not from direct teaching or deep engagement, but from short sessions, checklists, and parent forms.

The entire IEP, it turns out, is built on a few slices of time.
And worse, it's often interpreted through the lens of preset programs rather than genuine instructional possibility.

This creates a fundamental mismatch between what IDEA promises and what families actually receive.

For parents like me—who’ve read Endrew F., studied IDEA, and lived the consequences of its violation—it’s hard to sit in those meetings without feeling like we’re watching a system go through the motions.

You hear professionals read from a legally binding IEP form that says:
“The IEP team is responsible for creating a program based on the child’s unique needs.”

But then, in the same breath, they ask you which program you want.

It’s awkward. It’s disorienting.
And it takes everything inside you not to scream:
“You’re supposed to be building the program. Not handing me a menu.”

If you’re a parent in this position—where you know more about the law than the team applying it—you’re not alone.

And you don’t have to be aggressive to be clear. You can say:

“I’m hoping the team will design a program based on the assessments, goals, and Andrew’s unique needs. That’s what IDEA outlines, and that’s what we’re here to do.”

You don’t have to fight the room.
You just have to hold the law and the truth at the same time.

And if that feels like a lonely seat at the table, remember—every meaningful shift in history started with one person who knew the rules and chose to live by them, even when others had forgotten.